I Wanted That, But I Got This.

Expectations lead to disappointments. It’s something that I heard all my life, yet it never stopped me from having them. We create these expectations in our relationships, jobs, futures, and in our own selves. I used to plan everything; the most indecisive planner, to be exact. But, I can admit that right now in my life I am truly going with the flow of everything (as nonchalant as that may sound). And it feels amazing.

I am ten months post graduation; you couldn’t tell me back then that I would be living in Philadelphia after college. You couldn’t tell me that I was going to be unsatisfied living in Los Angeles at the age of 22. And you couldn’t tell me that my boyfriend at the time was not the one I would be spending the rest of my life with.

Through all of my experiences I have learned one thing. Not learned, but more so a skill that I am mastering; trusting God. God will never put me in a position to deal with something that I cannot handle. It may not always be a pretty situation, but there will always be light at the end of the tunnel, and that is for sure. We must be able to understand that everything is not the devil. Don’t get me wrong..the enemy stays working. But, it’s not always the devil, or “bad luck,” when you experience a situation that was not a part of your plans. It was in God’s, though. Sometimes we have to deal with the principality, and allow God to transform us. Your strength is an adversary to God; get out of His way and stop holding your own self back. I want you to think about the thorn that you are asking God to remove from your flesh; the problem that is tearing you up on the inside because it’s not going how you had expected it to. And you keep fighting it, and fighting it..praying that God removes the problem soon. Although, did you ever stop to think that you were given the problem for a particular reason? “A season of transformation,” God said.

During the time that I lived in Los Angeles, I was uncomfortable. Trials and tribulations were popping up that were brand new to me. Not only new, but overwhelming when living on the other side of the country from your family and friends. At the end of the day, I knew that my faith was being tested. And I appreciated the challenge. Let’s say when I finally “gave in,” and stopped trying to have my way; I moved back to Philly and got comfortable again. Quick. God wanted to use me at my maximum capacity, but I was chillin. Doing my own thing, and living how I planned to live.

I remember praying to God, and asking him to break me. “Break me so you can make me.” Nothing was changing when I would ask for it. At least not immediately. But if you pray to be broken, you have to be willing to lose it all. Because He sure enough will do it. God took what I valued most; what I put before him, what I allowed to distract me from serving Him and fulfilling my purpose. And honestly, it hurts. But more importantly, I am thankful. Thankful and ready for everything that God has in store for me.

I want more people to know that it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to need, and ask for help. Being broken is not easy, but it truly is the most beautiful thing that we can allow God to do to us.