I thought I was doing everything right. Attending church, praying, studying the Word, participating in Bible study; I still wanted more. I craved a deeper relationship with God. This one thing kept coming to my mind but I didn’t know how I was going to do it; celibacy. Being in a relationship with a man who I hold on a high pedestal, I would tell myself things such as, “we’re too deep in now to just stop having sex,” or “if this relationship doesn’t work out, I’ll start with my next one.” Before I could even pray on becoming celibate, He heard my thoughts. I didn’t ask God for help with this, but I did constantly offer my relationship to Him. You must be willing to give anything to the Lord without being afraid that it won’t be returned better to you.
Vulnerability is the greatest act of courage. I write with the intention of being completely open and honest. To put yourself out there, and risk opening yourself and your heart up to help others, is exactly what allows others to see themselves through you. This has nothing to do with me; but what God is trying to do through me.
Some relationships that I have been in, people I entertained; I look back and ask myself why. Or more so, how? How did you give yourself away so easily? How were you so willing to love these people more than you loved your own self? But, I know that no experience in this world is a waste. Everything happens to grow you up, wake you up, fill you up, and, help you become more who you were created to be.
From past relationships; I have experienced heartbreak, did the heart breaking, got cheated on, did the cheating..but still always loved. I love, love. Trust me, I am far from bitter when it comes to men. I will always be the kind of woman who can look back over everything and have peace. Not only did God bring me through it, but He made me stronger and more resilient than before.
But this journey that I am on; my trust in God, I can’t imagine giving my body and attaching myself to another man before I have a ring on my finger. Being unattached for this amount of time will lead me down the path to me and who I was created to be. Even when just dating or doing the “no strings attached” thing, you are still attached; offering your energy and time to someone when it should all be put into your purpose.
I don’t believe in a person completing another person. And I am nowhere close to my full potential. The only person that can complete us is God himself; we must turn to Him for wholeness. Not no man. Do you realize how much pressure that is to put on someone? More so, a man who is most likely broken himself. Neither of you can look at one another to be everything, you have to make everything on your own, first.
Ask yourself what is more important; fulfilling your desires, or your love and faithfulness to God? I will never stop asking God to challenge and grow me.